|Sometimes I have to wonder what the point of being social is. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I try to be appeasing of what others want to see or hear and they say I'm hiding something. I try to be perfectly honest because as a friend once told me "everything you ever feel is justified and acceptable at least by the fact that you are feeling it." I absolutely appreciate the sentiment, but it just never plays out that way, seems like every time I try to talk to people while thinking that way I piss someone off. People don't want to hear the truth, they just want to hear what they want to hear, what ever that may be. You could tell a person every single detail about yourself, but in the end all they'll remember is that which they care about, never that which is most important to you that they know.|
I guess it's just like Mr. Freeman (Chairman of ITT Tech's IT department) and probably millions if not billions of others have said; "LIFE IS NOT FAIR." If it were then maybe people would give you a chance to explain what something you said to someone else who was not intended to repeat it to you meant before they reacted, something you planed to hold your silence about indefinitely because it wasn't that big of a deal until this one person brought the matter up in conversation first with a similar sentiment. If life were fair people wouldn't project their own emotional states on to others and then start to distance from you because they can't accept what they perceive you to be which really is what they are and have been and can't reconcile within themselves. Even though you will never read this (Mike/Mary/Kaya/Morgan/Nick/even Leslie to a remotely lesser extent), if life were fair I would have been there for you all these years instead of watching it all slip away just because I never was able to convince myself that it's ok for me to call or write you especially when you never call or write me. But life isn't fair, and so I really don't care that much about any of these things so much as the people involved (thus if one of these gripes are about you then relax because it's not a big deal I just couldn't think of any good and personal examples of how life's not fair.)
So back to the point, life’s not fair, neither balance nor justice, nor even karma truly ever exist. They are all just precepts our minds have invented to keep our under developed craniums remotely sane. Society is inescapable, for even in escaping you are serving its needs. The will of the masses will railroad you without a second thought if it serves their purposes. And forever and always, never forget that you may mean everything to the one you love, but probably mean nothing at all to the one by whom you may be killed. –Insert more random thoughts here as a closing statement-- And it is for these and so many more reasons that I have decided that this account will be friends only on 6/27/05, and those friends will be severely cut down to majoritavely those who live out of state. If you still want to know about my life enough, try calling or writing or emailing or IMing(admittedly rarely) or just visiting once in a while (what, 5 is not enough options?) I’m sick of reading public announcements, I want to hear it in the words you would choose while actively thinking of me (and maybe that’s a little demanding to ask, but I am a demanding person and in return I am relentlessly loyal to my friends.) But I really don’t need the backlash of bullshit that is all that has come of my continued existence within the bounds of these servers. Regardless I love you all, if by chance you need my contact info leave a comment with some way for me to give it to you (like email).
Catch you on the flipside hopefully,
|So today has been interesting. I took Kip to FRCC Longmont/Boulder to do his assessment test at the time their office scheduled him. Then they tell us that he won’t have enough time to complete the test before the office is closed and that we should come back another day. You tell me why the damn appointment setter couldn’t have taken that into consideration and not wasted an hour of our time? Bloody morons, and every single time I ever hear anything about the testing center at any FRCC it’s always stories like this one that just reasserts my opinion of their stupidity. If you ever have to take a test there: schedule it, ask them how long it should take, ask what the hours are and then assume that they will close an hour early...|
So next I got to see the only person other than Whit I know, and whose presence I truly enjoy, whose primary musical preference is hip-hop/rap stuff... Morgan!!! It’s been 3 fucking years since I’ve seen her (besides the chance encounter at the library where she gave me her phone number Monday.) We chilled at Boulder Denney’s along with her new (or rather new to me) boyfriend whom actually seems to be a good man (a first for the entire 7 or 8 yrs I’ve known her.)
And then finally Erika called to tell me that there was a party for no particular reason at Steph’s house, so Kip and I went. When I found out that CaT nor Karla would be showing I suddenly realized just how long it had been since I actually even held a full conversation with three quarters of the people who were there.
Little, reclusive, selective, distrusting, me has been dominant for too goddamned long now. That doesn’t mean that I want to go meet everyone in the world or anything, but for god sakes if someone comes up to me to ask for a light I should be able to come up with more to say then just “here.” The part of me that comes up with those good conversations with total strangers has gone unused for so damn many years now, and all of the sudden I kind of miss it.
Also so everyone knows, I am slowly building a website that will eventually host a lot of various things that are either created by or enjoyed by Kip or myself. It is/will be here, but I warn you that the only active links on the menu are those related to “Apocalypse Cipher” (all the episodes are there, and checked for spelling and grammar to the extent of my patients.) I am also planning on putting up a HTML/CSS/JAVA powered character generator with all kinds of crazy features, in fact that was the second thing I wanted to post up on the site, and it’s difficulties are why nothing else has gone up yet. If anyone out there ( Ian , this especially means you if you’d be so kind) wants to put me through a crash course of how to script JAVA in certain ways I would greatly appreciate it, I am currently stumbling through the hoops of trial and error with absolutely no experience prior to a week or two ago. Also ( Ian ) if anyone can help me figure out why my CSS code dosen't work in Netscape or Mozilla I would love to know, I fucking hate IE but it's the only thing the site displays correctly under. And by the way (just to bost a bit since I am a bit of an elitest about this) I wrote every damn line in this site my self (No WSYWIG editing except for final debugging in FrontPage), the corner menu was cut and pasted from another site, but then it was fully modified line by line both visually and functionally.
|So I come home after hanging out with Erika all night, talking, drinking coffee, messing around, driving, etc. I come home and unannounced to me Kip has revisited a very old, very rare ritual. Something that has not been done in quite a long time, and is as good as alien to me. It used to be that maybe once every six months or so I'd run into someone on Pearl St, or at the bus station who really needed a place to stay for the night, either because of inebriation or being kicked out of their house. I'd find these people and take them to Kip's house just because it felt like the good thing to do. They'd usually stay for the night and I wouldn't ever see them again, but I still fealt good about having helped out someone in need.|
Now tonight I come home at like 4am to "Victoria" whom Kip apparently met at the local 7-11 sitting on his bed and watching Bringing out the dead (and later Waking life) while she is supposedly drunk, stoned and rolling. A few slices of bread in her hand and a cup of tea on the floor next to her. I think we seam to be driving her a bit madder then the inebrients normally would.
She's right across the room from me as I write, I just don't know what to do or say... I'm so not used to this shit anymore.
Anyways, the point is life is weird, especially mine. The point is randomness happens all the time, it's all around us just waiting to explode and make your life sudden chaos. I don't know how to deal with this any more, I agree with the purpose/sentiment, I'm just out of practice dealing with sudden strangers out of nowhere I guess.
Thanks for reading,
|Ok, so I went a little psycho today. Don't worry; I'm over it, though I still hate the guy who came up with the idea of that damned holiday. I swear that I day all I felt was the purest rage and hatred I've felt in a very long time, stranger yet there was no real trigger except maybe realizing what day it was. It all kicked in while I was at flatirons mall turning in job apps and wondered what the day was. All of the sudden my mind was reeling watching happy couple after happy couple walk by while I'm already feeling like some peon groveling for a god damned job just to survive. Never mind being in reciprocated love and enjoying every minute of it, no my VD has to be about waking my ass up early, getting screwed by Kip's parents, and chasing opportunities to earn that green cloth that I so despise society for revolving around. Man let me tell you the phrase "Downward Spiral" doesn’t begin to explain how my mood went from there.|
Finally around 4PM Kip and I finished with all of the day's bullshit and I sat my not so happy ass down and just read and read until I forgot about the outside world almost completely. 100 pages in three hours (this is fast for me, and that's why I can only read the select few authors that can hold my attention with an iron fist like Chuck) and I finished 'Invisible Monsters'.
The insanity that ensued within those pages, and the amazing philosophy contained there in was so great that I was caught in bewilderment and awe and had forgotten all about the previous rage. Never the less earlier I had made the Anti-VD image and still felt that it applied and was relevant to my day so I continued to post it as well as the following post to kind of explain what kind of point of view I was coming from when I made it.
Then Alyse and Whit asked me to hang out and that really has made all of the difference and I am forever thankful for that time I got with them. I think this is the first truly memorable (or at least memorable in a positive light) VD I've had in as long as I can remember if ever thanks to them. The first one in a long time (that I’m remembering at this moment anyways) that there has been anyone who has been there for me on that day instead of being busy with their significant others (not that I could really blame them…)
I leave the posts up regardless of how I feel now because I have a pact with my self that anything I put in here will always be both public and permanent, It's just a matter of being honest with you and myself. Am I over reactive? Psychotic? Or just honest enough to say what many others would censor from them selves? I would be the worst to judge so I leave that to you. My promise to you, at least here if not in real life you will only receive my truth. I reserve the right to only tell as much of it as I deem necessary, but there will be no lies except perhaps those I am convinced are true. But of course as you’ve seen today, the truth isn’t always pretty.
Love to all of you,
|Listen to me! You are all being conditioned on a mass scale! Stop thinking and believing that you are a tough guy or tough girl (or especially wanting to be one) and stop trying to make your self perfect; you aren’t and will never be, you are just human and humans aren’t very tough and are far from perfect. Our culture and those who control it want to dehumanize you, why??? Because a human who is trying not to be human has less time, energy and mental capacity than a human being it’s self, and therefore is less powerful. Then when they know that not human is exactly what you want to be, that is exactly when they start showing you just how much of a lowly human you are by parading around their ultimate inhuman idols like; Paris Hilton; 50 Cent; Jessica Simpson; Carson Daly; or George W Bush; and all of the other spotlight lowlifes (who in reality are all probably at least half decent people, but it’s their media personas that I hate). That is what they want you to strive for. |
Insecurity is the single most powerful method by which those who manipulate society can also manipulate you. They tell you that; you’re too fat; you’re too skinny; too short; too tall; too smart; too dumb; too serious; not serious enough; too frivolous; irresponsible; predictable; chaotic; irrational; crazy; brazen; hedonistic; etc. If you respect yourself you shouldn’t tell them to shove it up their asses (that would be the insecure tough guy’s response), but rather thank them because you already know that, and what you know about yourself can’t hurt you unless you let it, or ask them if they need someone to talk to because if they want to hurt you they must also be in pain and simply desire company there.
The more perfect you try to be (including being ‘tough’) the more you will become insecure about who you really are. You say to your self I’m not as; tough (socially) as Denis Leary; strong as the Rock; funny as Henry Rollins; good at singing as Tori Amos; well figured as j-lo; etc. What you’re really saying is I’ll do what ever they say if it could make me be more like them. The problem is that what you hear those people say is only what the media allows you to hear them say.
The more insecure you are, the more egocentric (self-centered/self-involved) you become, and the more they can do what they want to the world around you without notice or permission. The more you hide the truth, the more acceptable it is when they hide their truths from you. They put computer modified images of stick-skinny fashion models on magazine covers to remind you that you have more than zero pounds of fat on your bodies so your too busy deciding what you should or shouldn’t eat to realize that they are taking more and more of the rights you had when you were born away from you. They drown your cognitive problem solving mind in their own tsunami of mindless television stewed in sex and violence until you don’t care enough to question the existence of anterior motives of their wars. They barrage you with the stress of thousands of obligations, duties and laws (easily overlooked laws included to allow for ‘directed’ rebellious behavior that almost always ends in new children to propagate the cycle, the exile of prison, death by overdose, or suicide) while they jump in bed with the corporations who control everything that you see and hear to gain that much more control.
Stop the cycle! Accept that you are human. Accept that your flawed and fucked up! If you hate people realize that you probably hate them because they are so self-centered, insecure, and pompous. To be what they want you to be means extinguishing a part of yourself, the part that sees what is happening in this society and actually cares, the part that knows that their right and wrongs seem to be slowly inverting. I know that is what I can’t stand about the general populace, and those whom are closest to me are those within whom I see these things as not fully extinguished yet. If you hate yourself it is because you’re falling into their conditioning, you don’t have to love yourself, just accept who you are and move on from there.
That’s it for my very LONG overdue rant for now. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I hope it made you think. If so, tell me what you thought please, I am too curious…